Brief Interviews With Hideous Men: Part II

(Read Part I if you are late to this particular party in which I reveal the things that men say. To me. To my face. To my actual face.)

B.I. #7 01-12

‘I mean, I’m not gay or anything but he is just too handsome. He’s like, I mean, Christ. Have you seen his arms?
Q.
‘China Miéville. When he’s in a tight T-shirt his nipples just stick right out like damn.’
Q.
‘Oh, I wouldn’t even try if I were you. He wouldn’t even look twice at regular, boring-looking people like you and me.’
Q.
‘No seriously, you have seen him, right?’

B.I. #8 01-12

‘May I just say, you bear a striking resemblance to David Boreanaz.’
Q.
‘Angel. You know, from Angel.’
Q.
‘I mean it in a respectful way.’

B.I. #9 01-12

‘I’m a novelist as well as an investment banker, actually.’
Q.
‘No, but I’m about 10,000 words off the end of it. I started it for a thing called NaNoWriMo. Are you familiar with it?’
Q.
‘It’s about a middle-aged divorcee investment banker who goes to Saudi Arabia to help transfer the country to being solar-powered. He also gets attacked by his ex-wife along the way. It’s quite a tale, actually. And it’s good because I know so much about investment banking that the story is all in the details. You know, the investment banking details. It’s a lot more interesting than you might –’
Q.
‘Basically I just did it so I could call myself a novelist at parties. See, I’m doing it now. How do I get it published?’

B.I. #10 01-12
[In which the reader is to imagine this is a perfect phonetic record of the Irish accent in the bar that day.]

‘Yar mek-oop is perfect. It must’ev tekken you hhhuwers.’
(‘Your make-up is perfect. It must have taken you hours.’)
Q.
‘Good work, you. Naht loik in Ireland. De wimmin there, they’ve got hair on dey fess. All over dey fesses, it’s a mess.’
(‘Good work, you. Not like in Ireland. The women there, they’ve got hair on their face. All over their faces, it’s a mess.’)
Q.
‘Naht you though, ye’ve got no hair ahn yer fess at all.’
(‘Not you though, you’ve got no hair on your face at all.’)

B.I. #11 06-12

Q.
‘I’ll come to bed in a minute. I’ve just got to catalogue these last few stamps.’
Q.
‘What?’
Q.
‘I have a really interesting collection, actually.’
Q.
‘Look, ten minutes. I’m almost done with Croatia.’

B.I. #12 06-12

‘Herpes ain’t that bad, apparently. I did a Google. They just get a bad rap! You can only really transmit it when you have a flare-up, and you can control those with your diet and lifestyle or whatever.’
Q.
‘Well yeah, blind babies are bad but I guess it’s probably rare and not all blind peoples’ mothers had a touch of the herp.’
Q.
‘What I’m saying is it ain’t no syphilis.’
Q.
‘I also looked up those guys whose peen-a-weens go left? Or right? You seen them? They just veer off. Some sort of calcification of the skin. Then they can’t put it in because their aim is all off.’
Q.
‘I guess it gets caught in the pipe. And then when they go soft maybe it dribbles out? Hell, I don’t know.’
Q.
‘Anyway, my junk’s fine.’

B.I. #13 06-12

‘Alright?’
Q.
‘Just browsing.’
Q.
‘Just killing time in town, you know how it is. How long have you worked here?’
Q.
‘You’re very tall. Very tall. Have you ever seen the TV show Xena Warrior Princess? She’s very tall too. But now she’s blonde and was in that other show Curb Your Enthusiasm. You know Curb Your Enthusiasm? It’s about this guy, Larry David, and he used to write this other TV show Seinfeld. You ever heard of Seinfeld?’
Q.
‘Well I only ask because not many people in the UK have ever seen it.’
Q.
‘Oh right.’
Q.
‘So anyway this Xena person, she’s huge like you. I don’t think she’s a lesbian though.’
Q.
‘Are you a model?’
Q.
‘You could be a model. Or do you not want to be a model because you’d have to get thin?’

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