Author Archives: Hayley Campbell

Romantic Misadventure

[Here is a thing I read to a room full of drunk people in London. It is about: the Internet.] So I’ve been to a whole bunch of these Romantic Misadventure nights and what I’ve discovered is everyone’s had more … Continue reading

Posted in Essays

Is This Too Soon? Probably.

In these post-Yewtree days I like to think I’m not the only one taking stock of my childhood and the moments in which it is entirely possible I could have been bummed but wasn’t. Is this too soon? Am I … Continue reading

Posted in Essays

Every Day I Am Coming

I am still a regular, sweaty face at the gym and it is now June. This means I have reached and breached the point of New Years resolution dissolution; I am still lifting things up, still putting them down, still doing ridiculous … Continue reading

Posted in Essays, Ridiculous

On Why Our Author Finds Herself In Her Pajamas at 3pm Awaiting The Delivery of Two Frozen Squirrels

“I don’t want to cause a weird fight or anything,” I said, “But someone’s shoved a frozen pizza on top of my rook. Obviously I can’t bring this up without alerting house to presence of dead rook in freezer.” “Sweetums. … Continue reading

Posted in Essays, Ridiculous

Open Letter To My Obituarist

Dear person who is going to tidy my life into one succinct paragraph (or maybe more if you have to make a word count), In the event of my inevitable death you will be required to write a thing about … Continue reading

Posted in Essays

Brief Interviews With Hideous Men: Part II

(Read Part I if you are late to this particular party in which I reveal the things that men say. To me. To my face. To my actual face.) B.I. #7 01-12 ‘I mean, I’m not gay or anything but … Continue reading

Posted in Essays

Tiny Little Love Stories II

Joel Golby writes hellaciously pretentious little love stories about about dildos and dead grandpas over at tinylittlelovestories. Last year for Valentine’s Day he got a bunch of writers to contribute bits for a VALENSTRAVAGANZA. I wrote three. This year I … Continue reading

Posted in Ridiculous

The Towels In The Gym Cover My Tits Or My Arse But Never Both

Each time a lithe heap of muscle approaches me all wrapped in spandex and says they’re a personal trainer and do I need help I say ‘Yes, I do,’ because obviously. I am new here. I follow it up with … Continue reading

Posted in Essays

Sucked Dry

I am in no way qualified to spout opinions on the breastfeeding of tiny babies seeing as I have pushed no baby out of my body ever. Know this. The reasons for inexpertly floating the subject are two-fold: i. it’s … Continue reading

Posted in Essays

The Dreaded Ninth

My first proper boyfriend — I say proper meaning we lived together and our collective underpants tumbled together in one 60-degree machine wash — was a man with little to no taste. He owned exactly two CDs. This is not … Continue reading

Posted in Essays