Category Archives: Essays

Brief Interviews With Hideous Men: Part II

(Read Part I if you are late to this particular party in which I reveal the things that men say. To me. To my face. To my actual face.) B.I. #7 01-12 ‘I mean, I’m not gay or anything but … Continue reading

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The Towels In The Gym Cover My Tits Or My Arse But Never Both

Each time a lithe heap of muscle approaches me all wrapped in spandex and says they’re a personal trainer and do I need help I say ‘Yes, I do,’ because obviously. I am new here. I follow it up with … Continue reading

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Sucked Dry

I am in no way qualified to spout opinions on the breastfeeding of tiny babies seeing as I have pushed no baby out of my body ever. Know this. The reasons for inexpertly floating the subject are two-fold: i. it’s … Continue reading

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The Dreaded Ninth

My first proper boyfriend — I say proper meaning we lived together and our collective underpants tumbled together in one 60-degree machine wash — was a man with little to no taste. He owned exactly two CDs. This is not … Continue reading

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A Leg of Ham is Likewise Essential

There’s a thing that happens around the time my face becomes routinely obscured by a rediscovered scarf from the back of the wardrobe; when the cold streets suddenly fill with little woolly spheres which I presume are the small children … Continue reading

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On My Knees

I was the first of three babies to slide out of my dear Mum over the course of a few years. I don’t know if the gene pool was particularly shallow the day they ladled some out for me, but … Continue reading

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How Can I Dream When I Can’t Even Sleep At Night

I deliberately think and worry about things in order to delay sleep, which is a bad thing I do just to avoid a certain dream I’ve been having on a bi-monthly basis since roughly 1992, AD. I worry about the … Continue reading

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In Which You’ll Excuse My Ebonics

I have a problem wherein I am unhinged — I mean quite literally, I am making no reference to mental instabilities here. There are no hinges in my jaw like you probably have and the bottom bit sort of glides … Continue reading

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On The Late Great Fantasy Author J.R.R. Tolkien

I have a theory about bumsex and I’m not boasting here when I say it’s a pretty good one. It goes like this: anal sex is exactly like The Lord of the Rings. You see, everybody has opinions about Lord … Continue reading

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Brief Interviews With Hideous Men, A Wholly Indiscreet Experiment in the Manner of David Foster Wallace

To wit: DFW’s Brief Interviews With Hideous Men are included in a paperback collection of that name, interspersed among a dozen or so short stories of which your correspondent thoroughly recommends a good sit-down read. They – the fictional interviews … Continue reading

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